A Rush of Blood to the Head
by jasperose
Summary: He was right all along. And I was always too late. BxJ post New Moon


_Harro. So perhaps I should be posting a chapter for _The Greatest_, but no. Instead I went angsty galore with JacobXBella. Huzzah._

_

* * *

_

A Rush of Blood to the Head

_Yeah, I miss you, too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry._

_Jacob_

I read and re-read the words on the crumpled paper, passed from Jacob to Billy to Charlie to me. Each letter felt like a slap. How could he say it doesn't change anything? It changes _everything._

I frowned and wiped hastily at my eyes before stuffing the dumb note into my trouser pocket. I tried really hard not to think of the words and what they meant, because every time I did it felt like another blow to my stomach. If I thought about it, it would bring me to my knees.

I could still picture the look on his face as I left him behind. As I picked Edward over him. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek as he leaned in closer, his eye lashes casting dark shadows across his russet skin. I could hear the shrill ringing of the telephone that shot that all to hell.

I wished so badly that I could go back. Just go back to that moment in the kitchen, when his face was so close to mine, when I could feel the heat emanating from my sun. When his warm hands cupped my chin so gently but so roughly, and his eyes were darker than night. Just go back and pick him.

Silly Jacob. It changes everything.

-

"Where you going, Bells?" Charlie turned his head towards me from his spot in his favourite chair, keeping his eyes trained on the basketball game. I stopped walking and lifted my eyes from my shoes.

"I'm going to see Jake, dad," I told him, biting my lip. That got his full attention; he tore his eyes from the screen and fixed me with a startled look.

"Jake? Really?" His lips began to curl into a smile and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"Yes, dad, really. I won't be back late, okay?" I promised, walking quickly towards the door before I lost my nerve and turned back around and hightailed it into my bedroom. I tugged open the door and stepped into the light drizzle, not bothering to put on my hood.

The key stuck in the lock and I had to turn extra hard to get the stupid thing to open. Little flakes of rust rained down on the damp pavement from my prehistoric truck as I slammed the door shut and started the engine, turning on the windshield wipers and waiting for the engine to heat up. I sat anxiously, tapping my foot erratically against the floor. I was so nervous. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him; I _knew._

He had been right.

Maybe it wasn't exactly the same, but maybe it was. Maybe I was tired of being so cold. Maybe, just once, I wanted to be warm again. Maybe I wanted to hear the thump of a heartbeat when I put my ear to his chest. Maybe I wanted to feel the heat of the sun, of _my _sun. Maybe maybe maybe. He had been right. And I had been stupid.

Stuuuupid.

I pressed down gently on the gas pedal and pulled out of the drive way. The dark trees passed by in a blur, mimicking my thoughts. I kept my eyes fixed on the road, straight ahead. The yellow lines on the pavement flashed across my vision, pointing me in the direction of safe. Of warm. Of Jacob.

I entered La Push just as the rain picked up. It lashed against my windows and thumped on the roof, pounding out a beat that was in tandem with my accelerating heartbeat.

God, I was nervous.

The rumbling of my truck was quietened in the thrashing rain, which made me feel a little better. My entrance wouldn't be quite as conspicuous this way. I pulled in front of his little red house and parked, tugging the key out of the ignition and sitting back in my seat. I had to take a few calming breaths before I could reach for the door handle, and a few more to actually utilize it. With shaky legs I stepped out into the rain, reaching for my hood. The wind howled, whipping my hood right back off. I groaned and hunched my shoulders against the storm, slamming my door and trudging to the door.

My raised fist hesitated inches from the wood. I tried to ignore the fact that it was shaking. I took more calming breaths and shut my eyes as I knocked, opening them quickly as I heard the twist of a door knob. Billy opened the door, a confused look on his face.

"Bella?" He appraised my current state with a slightly-agape mouth. My hair was dripping and tangled, my face pale, my eyes wide, my breathing erratic. I sighed and went for a smile.

"Yeah, hi, Billy. Is Jacob here?" I tried to sound calmer than I really was. I don't think I succeeded.

Billy nodded slowly and pointed down the little hall to the door at the end: Jacob's room. I tipped my head in thanks and started down the hall, but a hand on my arm stopped me.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" Billy asked. It wasn't rude; he was really wondering. His dark eyes were probing as they searched mine, and the sudden scrutiny made me nervous; even more so than before.

"I just—I need to talk to Jake. It's…kind of important," I said anxiously, glancing over my shoulder to Jake's room. Billy sighed and dropped my arm.

"Okay," he conceded. I breathed a sigh of relief and gave him a small smile that he returned half-way. "But Bella," he continued, "I don't know if he'll want to talk to you."

I bit my lip and nodded, more than aware of that fact. I walked unsteadily down the hallway and knocked on the door. It creaked open, revealing a sleeping Jacob sprawled out on his too-small mattress. I grinned slightly at the sight before shuffling in quietly and shutting the door behind me.

"Jacob," I called softly, nudging his warm shoulder with my hand. I didn't realise how cold I was (cold always cold) until I touched Jacob; my fingers immediately began to thaw. He jumped at the contact and whirled around, the sheets flying everywhere.

"What the _fuck_!" he yelled, rolling onto his back and shooting upright. I had to smile at his reaction.

"Sorry," I whispered, my voice sounding even quieter in disparity to Jacob's yells. "I…I needed to talk to you."

Jacob stared at me with disbelieving eyes, his mouth still open. "You're soaking wet," he stated after a long pause. I looked down and grimaced; my rain coat was dripping onto his floor.

"Sorry," I said again. "It's really wet outside."

Jacob nodded, his brows furrowing. He tugged his bottom lip into his teeth and leaned back onto his left elbow, draping his right arm over his stomach as he stared at me. His eyes seemed impossibly dark under the shadow of his brow, and his stare was starting to make me anxious. It reminded me of Sam.

"I think you should go," he told me flatly. His voice betrayed no emotion as he spoke, and I had nothing to say. All the air left my lungs as his words hit me in the chest.

"W-what?" I stuttered, taking a small step back. "Jake, no, I have—"

"To leave. You have to leave, Bella." When he said my name, his jaw clenched, and I thought I saw a flash of something in his eyes. But the mask was back in place too quickly for me to tell.

"Jacob, no. I'm sorry. You need to listen to me." I didn't mean for it to sound so pleading, but it did anyways.

Jacob snorted and sat up, pulling the sheets off. He swung his long legs over the bed and stood up, coming towards me. He was only wearing boxers, and his defined frame was all I could see; partially because he was so freaking huge, and partially because I couldn't look away.

"Bella," he said slowly when he stood right in front of me in his cramped room. "I have nothing to say to you. Go home."

I opened my mouth to say something, like 'I _am _home,' but nothing would come out. Instead I nodded dejectedly and bit my lip hard to keep from crying before I got to my truck. I turned to go (always always always), stepping cautiously around his discarded clothes littering the floor. When I reached the door, I stopped and faced him, one hand on the door frame.

My eyes met his and I whispered what I had wanted to say all along. "You were right. The whole time, you were right. I'm sorry, Jacob."

I turned and ran down the tiny hall before he could respond. I tore the door open and stumbled down the stairs, slipping on the last one and hitting the soaking ground hard. I cursed under my breath and got up as quickly as I could, massaging my lower back and wrists. I glared up at the sky and let the tears fall, the salt mixing with the rain drops until it was impossible to tell I was even crying.

I distantly heard a door click open, but I was already running to my truck, yanking the door open and lunging inside. I shoved the key into the ignition, twisting it frantically as my chest heaved and my heart broke. My ribs began to crumble as the hole I had tried to heal broke open.

The engine roared to life and I pressed down hard on the gas pedal. I wanted to leave it all behind, in a whirl of tire marks and tears and unspoken words.

But I guess Jacob had another idea. I heard a thump and my truck wobbled. I cried out and stomped on the brakes, and another thump echoed throughout the cab. I glanced anxiously around, and another scream escaped as I took in the dark figure looming in the bed of my truck.

"Bella!"

I heard a shout, and then the dark figure hopped out of the bed and ran to the driver's door. Jacob's pained face appeared through my window, and I screamed again.

"Open the window!" he shouted, tapping hard on the window as he spoke. I shakily reached for the door handle and tugged on it, pushing open my door and stepping out.

"Bella, what are you doing! Get back in your truck!"

I shook my head and slammed the door. "No. Why are you out here? You told me to leave. You told me to go home."

Jacob growled frustratedly and ran a hand through his shaggy hair. "What did you mean, Bella?" he wanted to know. "What did you mean when you said I was right?"

I glared at him and crossed my arms. He groaned again and grabbed my shoulders. "What was I right about?"

"It doesn't matter anymore, Jacob. Let me go." I moved to pull away, but his grip tightened. "Let go, Jacob," I said through the tears still streaming down my cheeks.

"No! Don't you dare tell me to let go, Bella. You have no idea how hard you are to let go!"

I continued struggling, balling my freezing hands into fists and slamming them against his blazing chest. "You told me to go home! So let me go!" (hold on hold on hold on)

"I can't!" He was breathing hard now, his chest heaving. He dropped his arms and ran his hands over his dripping face. "I can't."

His whispered confession was nearly lost in the roaring wind. He raised his shaggy, sopping head and looked out. Like so many other things, his gaze went right over my head. "I can't, Bella. Being with you, it feels like a Sunday night. I can never relax and just enjoy it, because I know it's gonna be over way before I'm ready to let it be over. I don't want it to ever end. But it always does." His eyes were faraway and misty. My tears were coming faster now; my throat ached from my sobs.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, brushing my hand across his cheek. "I'm so sorry, Jake. There are so many things I want to say, but…I can't promise any of the things I want to."

Jacob dropped his head and looked at me through his eyelashes. They were glistening with droplets, coming together in peaks as they framed his nighteyes. "Try," he told me.

I cocked my head, confused. The rain kept pouring, little rivers of droplets streaming down my face, into the crook of my neck, across the curve of my lips and nose. I opened my mouth to speak, but Jacob put a blazing finger on my lips.

"Try."

I shook my head, my sodden hair sticking to my face. I impatiently brushed it aside, running my hands through it in frustration.

"Try," he repeated, grasping my hand. His warm fingers traced patterns on the back of my palm. I looked up into his face, and my eyes met his.

And I tried.

My thumb brushed away a cascading rain drop from his lips before my own crashed into his. And I tried. His warmth enveloped me, and I could feel his heartbeat slamming against his ribs. It was in pace with mine, rapidly beating in anxiety and excitement. And I tried.

Too soon, he pulled away. "I can promise so many things, Bella," he told me. "Can he say the same?" His warm hands moved from around my waist and cupped my face. He leaned in and gently kissed my eyelids. I felt my heart flip at the touch. My arms wrapped tightly around his neck and I pulled him back to me, his lips colliding with mine once more.

And I tried again. I tried so damn hard to tell him what I couldn't ever say, what I wanted so badly to say; what would never be said. He was right, I was stupid, and it was too late.

I was too late.

The Volturi were promised a vampire out of me. And nothing I did or said could change that.

Maybe Jacob had been right, when he said 'it doesn't change anything.' Because even now, even when I was trying _so hard _to tell him he was right all along, it wasn't going to come out. It couldn't come out. It would make everything so much harder when the time came for me to go.

It changes everything. Yet nothing changes.

I was the one to pull away this time (always always don't go always). New tears, more painful than before, streamed from my tired eyes, leaving trails of regret streaked down my cheeks. Jacob was breathing heavily, as was I. He leaned his forehead against mine, and I tried to regulate my breathing.

"Jacob," I whisper-sobbed, hugging him close and burying my face in the crook of his neck. I never wanted to leave.

"Bella, I'm so—Bella." He tangled his hand in my hair, securing me to him. If only it were that easy.

His blissed-out tone made my chest clench painfully. My tears streamed down his naked chest as I tried (again again again) to let him know that I couldn't want this any fragment more than I do. That I would trade all the endless days in the world for just one more Sunday night.

I squeezed him tighter before letting go, stepping back, breaking apart. "You were right," I sobbed, wiping at my cheeks. "You've always been right, and I've always been too late. I'm sorry, Jacob. I love you."

I turned and opened my truck door, struggling with the seatbelt and trying (so hard so hard so hard) not to look at Jacob as I drove away. The rain pelted my windshield as my window-wipers struggled to clear it for me. It wasn't the first time I wasn't able to see clearly.

As I took the turn, I glanced in my rear-view mirror. And I wished a million times over I never had.

Jacob stood in the middle of the road, the rain lashing against his tall frame. His shaggy hair was in disarray from my fingers running through it (don't let go let go) and his arms hung limply at his sides. I tried (so hard again so hard) to look away, but his face was forever ingrained in my mind. It broke my heart to break his heart.

I made it out of La Push before I had to stop. I pulled over to the side of the highway and wrapped my arms so tight around my middle. I knew it wouldn't work; it never did. But still, I tried.

A silver Volvo pulled up beside me. I wasn't sure how much time had passed. It didn't matter though. The final outcome was the same. He was right, I was too late.

I heard my door open and cold arms wrapped around my waist. Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.

"Bella, love, I'm sorry."

Jacob, Love. I'm sorry (so sorry a hundred times over).

* * *

_Please review :) _

_ruv Jasper_


End file.
